Wake up Normal...

Crossposted from... someplace else.

Woke up about 30 minutes ago. Herman's Hermits comes to mind "Woke up this morning feelin' fine / There's someone special on my mind" - though, yes, she is on my mind, and, yes, she is somewhat responsible for my positive mood right now. But (as it always is with me) it's much more complicated than that.

Catharsis: always a pleasant experience.

Eh. If I didn't know better... ah yes. There they go, the crashing thoughts, the restless mind, the "three things on his mind at the same time, and that's when he's fast asleep" syndrome. Not a bad thing, actually - I was looking for this last night. Getting so fed up with getting nothing done...

Again, too much information coming down the pipeline. I can only type 70 wpm anyway.

"Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up."

a) My room, my kitchen, my apartment in general. Big mess. Must clean.
b) errands. The bank, (random interjection of stray neuronal firings: wtf is Tallulah Bankhead?)
c) Must. Cook. Dinner.
D) MUST. FINISH. CHAPTER.

But I really didn't write this to give a laundry list of activities today. nooooo. I think the most important thing is that I'm feeling normal today. That after a week of emotional rollercoasters I can see the light through a crack in the tunnel. (Every once in a while relentless self-analysis pays off. I hit a nerve yesterday, or maybe a jugular. Confronted issues. Better self-understanding. Yada yada yada.)

and last night at BN (there is only one BN - If you don't know what I'm referring to, GET THE HELL OFF MY BLOG) I realized:

I'm not particularly interested in buying any books.

This was absolutely frightening.

Well, I know the reason. Emotional turbulence? Check. Lack of intellectual focus? Ditto. Ennui? (that's the pretentious snob's way of saying "apathy and lethargy born of world-weariness") I've got your ennui right here! Forgetfulness? *loud screeching noises, sounding rather reminiscent of tires squealing as brakes are being slammed in anticipation of a head-on collision*

What?!?

Oh yeah. Oh holy shit (another random nueronal firing, this one inspired by a typo just a moment ago - has anyone else ever noticed how close in spelling "shit" and "sith" are?) (that does sound funny, though, doesn't it? Holy Sith? "Holy Sithlord Batman!" "I know, Robin... It's my old nemesis, Darth Riddler...") This IS a problem.

I keep forgetting that there's a point to all this. that there's a goal I'm after. The last few months I've been focused primarily on "finishing the bookreport" so much so that I've completely forgotten the other things I'm interested in. And where once I could spend hours browsing book-titles, trying to get a feel for books that might help my long-term project, lately it's as if that project doesn't exist.

That scares the hell out of me.

The last thing I want is a PhD and then no goals on what to do with it. Ok, that's the second to last thing I want. The last thing I want is dreams and goals but no PhD to back me up on them. Which, I suppose is why I have been focusing on the dissertation...

Except that hasn't gotten me very far...

Hmm. I need...

Perhaps what I need - now that I am starting to get back into a writing mood - is to go ahead and resurrect Cognitive Resonance. I mean, I'm so PROUD of that title, you know? It's really who I friggin' am.

There's too much on my plate right now. Or rather, there's probably exactly enough: if I were better organized, etc, then I am sure i could get everything done I would like to get done.

So I guess the thing is to Git R' Done, neh?

Quick psychological note: I recently decided that it would be good for me to give myself permission to do whatever I wanted to do. Maybe that will come in handy if I decide I want to accomplish the impossible....