Mot Juste du Jour

Nothing good ever came of a psychotic's laughter.

Color me impressed

That Gillette Fusion razor I was talking about earlier just might be worth its purchase price.

I usually don't shave every day. Shaves on consecutive days are never as close as shaves two days apart, because razors can never get sufficient purchase on a mere day's worth of growth to really do a good job. Today was my first attempt to use the Fusion on consecutive days, and it WAS a close shave. I've never had a FIRST day's shave that was any closer, and never had a second consecutive day's shave that was remotely close.

Also, this is by far the most comfortable razor I have ever used. it seems to barely push against the skin, and as a result has far less razor burn than any other I've used.

I'll withhold judgment until I've used it for a while longer. But so far I am impressed.

Be nice to the site meter

Yes, I have taken Logo's advice and gotten a site meter.

Be very nice to the site meter. Pet it, hug it, love it.

And get your friends reading my darn blog!

Blogvertising

I've been annoyed with shaving lately. So, thanks to Instapundit I became aware of the new Gillette Fusion. I figured paying a lot for the newest, top-of-the-line razor made more sense than seeing a dermatologist BEFORE I shelled out money for a new razor.

The first shave was fantastic, but first shaves always are: the blades are new as is any built in lubricant. Still, it was a much less irritating than other blades I've used, and I'll let ya guys know how it turns out in a week or so.

Don Knotts has died.

From CNN.com

Don Knotts, who kept generations of TV audiences laughing as bumbling Deputy Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show" and would-be swinger landlord Ralph Furley on "Three's Company," has died. He was 81.

Knotts died Friday night of pulmonary and respiratory complications at the University of California, Los Angeles Medical Center, said Sherwin Bash, his friend and manager.

For the record, I don't like the Andy Griffith show, and Deputy Barney Fife is a big reason for that. But I had a great deal of respect of Knott's talent and performance. He seemed like one of the truly nice guys, and he will be missed

So what do I want to do? Part 1

I was starting a journal entry – you know, those intractably introspective ones that substitute inertia for will, and that at least have the result of reinforcing some sort of activity. I’m terribly undisciplined and unfocussed. These aren’t self-criticisms: they are purely observational realities. I would hate to be (as my undgrad philosophy professor once described Soren Kierkergaard) merely a functional manic-depressive. I don’t like being hostage to my brain, and I don’t like being dependent on the chemicals in my brain being in just so a balance in order for me to be “productive” but at the moment, in the absence of any firmly established habit which will keep me writing on something that might, one day, contribute to my bread and butter, this will do.

That said, I realized, not only have I not actually published “what it is that I intend to do” anywhere, as a more important note, I haven’t actually written it down anywhere. I’m becoming a firm believer in the importance of infrastructure as an operating principle: lay up for yourselves investments in capital so that thou mayest do thy job easier in the future (putting aside money and earning interest is just a specific application of this more general principle). Perhaps more importantly, it is important to remember that investments in capital also take the form of shaping one’s character: get into a habit and stick with it, and you’ll be the kind of person that lives that kind of life. Train up a child in the way he should go…

Actually, there is a snippet of what it is that I want to do on my MySpace profile. It’s not too shabby, so I’ll quote it here:

If there is one overriding passion in my life, it is to understand "how things work" - not in a scientific or engineering sense, but in the broadest philosophical sense. I want to know how *we* work - what makes the human mind tick, our psychological, cognitive, and social makeup. I want to understand those areas of our world that are most treated like voodoo - economics, politics, gender relations, to name a few - and try to EXPLAIN how they work to other people. I am addicted to politics and political debate, and am often frustrated by the inability of conservatives and liberals to communicate with each other.I am convinced that if people just had a better understanding of what was really going on - how complex systems like economies or societies WORKED - much of the frustrating impasse between otherwise well-meaning people who fundamentally disagree about how to make the world a better place would simply disappear. I am - at the moment in baby steps - trying to accomplish just that. It took me years to figure out where I wanted to go, and some time after that to figure out how to get there. I have a keen intellect, a gift for writing, and a passion for understanding - both for myself and for the dissemination to others. I want to channel those gifts into a blog and use that as a portfolio to pursue a career in a think-tank. I know I have something new and important to say, and I'll be damned if I don't take the chance to say it.

Even this, however, doesn’t quite capture the flavor of the underlying intellectual currents which in form how I approach things like public policy. I suppose, too, that right now isn’t exactly the time to start going into the finer points of differential ontology. That of course, will be the meat and potatoes (am I on a food analogies kick today, or what?) of Cognitive Resonance. The point, as I was trying to pitch to David earlier today, is that what the world needs right now is better cognitive tools, and an education designed to provide them with it.

That’s what I need – no, scratch that, that’s what I want to be doing.

For those of you who think that I’m either making mountains out of molehills, bizarrely egotistical, absurdly idealistic, or any such combination or similar defect, I can only say, in the most reasonable tones I can, to go suck eggs. A clue for all you naysayers: this is a job that needs to be done. Or do you think that our governmental systems are indefinitely stable or even doing what they are supposed to be doing? Do you think that political disagreement and civil discourse are, well, civil? Do you not think that the very nature of political disagreements indicates a fundamental misunderstanding of socio-political realities by people in both camps? Do you think that navigating the dangerous waters of the post-nuclear, post-Cold War age is even possible if we don’t have our own shit together at home?

Ok, so there’s a problem, you admit. What makes me think that I have a viable solution in mind? Isn’t that the height of hubris?

Well it would be if I actually thought that. As I’ve already indicated, the solution is education and new conceptual tools. Yes, I think I have on what some of those may be, but ultimately the job is much bigger than any one person or any one idea. That doesn’t mean that I can’t make an important contribution; more to the point, it doesn’t mean I don’t have an important contribution to make. But that won’t happen if all I do is have neat ideas. It won’t even happen if I merely write them down, however broadly those ideas become disseminated. I don’t know what it is going to take, but it really is time for me to “go out there and do something” and “sitting here and writing” is something of a first step.

So, ok then. What’s my big idea?

I’m glad you asked…

Obligatory daily post

Just some random thoughts.

I wanna try something. Does This Work?

Spoke with David today. Haven’t talked to him in a least five years, I think. Good to hear from him. I started my pitch to him and I wasn’t completely surprised to find out he had beat me to the punch in terms of practical application. As I told a friend last night, I’m thinking of moving to Polynesia.

Well, I’ll admit he’s a better musician than I am if he’ll admit I’m a better philosopher. I mean, this isn’t a competition (I keep telling myself) but you must understand, he and I really are the exact same person. I swear it’s freaky sometimes.

Seriously, my brain is thinking about something. I can feel it. There is enormous potential here. When I was in high school I had these silly play-fantasies about starting a corporation, vastly diversified, guided by my own uncompromising vision. This was, of course, long before I realized that raw, undisciplined intellect is about as effective in the real world as brute strength. Or, to contradict George Carlin, hard work isn’t just for people who lack talent. If anything, those who are talented have to work harder, because otherwise it’s entirely too easy to use intellect as a shortcut

And here I’ve never done a day’s hard work in my life.

Ok, I promised myself I would stop doing that sort of thing. So, apologies to myself for the self-deprecation (I am serious about that, btw: the whole reason I let other people kick me around is because I’m so terribly comfortable doing it myself) and let’s dust off and get going.

A few blog-style announcements:

• Comments are enabled. I would love to hear what you guys might have to say about what I’ve written. As any blogger knows, it’s all about traffic, traffic, traffic, and knowing that people are reading you because you’re getting feedback is worth the price of admission.


• By the same token, if you think you have friends who might find my shit worth reading, by all means send them the url. And don’t worry, you’re not REALLY helping me take over the world, one soul at a time.


• Even more importantly, read everyone else’s blog, please! Send them my love!


• Meghan’s website. Well, she’s simply the most wonderful, beautiful person I know (“Someday my name and hers are going to be the same” – Bus Stop) and you should get to know her too.


• Logo. She’s a cool cat. Smart as a whip. (ok, so ALL my friends are, but ya know) and she’s the first person I ever met who had a Blogger.com account. So there ya go.


• Cognitive Resonance. That’s where I’ll keep my philosophico-political musings once I get that rolling.


• David’s blog. I haven’t read much of it yet but do what I say, not what I do.


• Stephanie’s cool. Same as David’s blog, but I’m trying to make time ya know?


• Instapundit. Needs no introduction, unless, of course, you’re living under a rock, or have a permanent aversion to politics.


• MySpace and LiveJournal. Other bits of stuff. Mostly about me, narcissistic, etc. Feel free to skip.


• Sluggy Freelance! is an absolutely wonderful webcomic. It’s a serial, started about 8 years ago. If you want to make heads or tails out of what’s going on, start at the beginning and work you way forward. As John Ringo says, prepare to lose two weeks of productivity.


• Speaking of John Ringo, check out Baen books, publishers of damn fine science fiction.

Alright, that’s quite enough of this. Say hello to all my friends, read their blogs, and I’m gonna get back to work.

Must... write... blog...

It’s been two and a half days.

Two and a half days without any linguistic/literary productivity.

I blame myself. (“You know you did you know you did you know you did / But in this ever changing world in which you live in… Makes you / Give in and cry / Live and Let Die….”)

Ok – I am supposed to stop DOING that. No more blaming of myself.

It’s a discipline problem. Really, it is. I burned myself out. Writing writing writing. How many entries did I write here? And elsewhere?

Yes, writing writing writing. To blogging then I came, writing writing writing writing.

They really shouldn’t let me out of the asylum. Of course, as Wonko the Sane might say, I’m really already Outside the Asylum. It’s the rest of them that are in it.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

There are problems associated with cognitively offloading one’s moral imperatives so as to obviate the need to actively engage in value-laden judgments to action.

Translation: if you don’t need to push the trigger, you might sometimes never get the trigger pushed.

So then, you just have to push the trigger yourself. Even if such trigger-pushing activity is well kind of pointless. You know, like this post.

There really is a sort of self-perpetuating energy to this sort of thing. You start writing and sheer inertia keeps you moving. Unfortunately, what I need right now isn’t inertia to keep the fingers moving: it’s cognitive clarity to keep whatever ideas I have flowing.

I’ve been burnt out. Part of it was stuff that happened at work. After all, this has been a hell of a week, and even my coworkers acknowledge that this week I’ve been dealt a bit of a bum rap. On the other hand, I did everything – everything! – that I could possibly do earlier this week, in a burst of manic energy. And at the moment, having expended all that manic energy so brilliantly (“Only the good die young”) that in that burst of taking care of my shit I have burned myself out and have nothing left to give. All there is left is just the inertia that keeps my fingers typing. As if I could concentrate on matters of philosophy of free will. Or anything else worthwhile, for that matter.

Although, as a matter of record, I AM helping a friend out with her physics homework right now.

Anyway, at this point, I need to figure out a way to replenish my depleted stores of mental energy and get back to working on my dissertation. I really CAN’T afford to drift three days in a row. But, that being said, this must be a gentle operation. According to a friend of mine, you don’t respond well if you are harsh to yourself. I need to… gentle my mind into working on philosophy again. Maybe just getting it to like writing is what you gotta do. Hence this post, jah?

We’ll see how it goes.

The kinds of things I worry about

I succumbed to a moral failing this morning on the drive home from work.

I was pulling onto the highway. The lane I was in was technically a right turn lane onto a side road, so I needed to get into a middle lane. There was a garbage truck barrelling up the highway - at this point the highway is headed uphill. He was doing the speed limit; I was not. But my lane was running out, so I pulled out in front of him. He hit the brakes (necessarily) and lost a LOT of momentum. He ended up way behind me as I accelerated up to the top of the hill - obviously I had more acceleration than he did at 45 mph. But I cost him a lot of momentum; had I not pulled out in front of him he could have easily made it to the top of the hill at a reasonable cruising speed.

This is all very important.

Let us leave aside any possible moral implications towards acting in such a manner as to facilitate the degradation of the environment. (Say what you will about the environmental movement, but the raw expenditure of fuel is, on balance, a negative for the environment.) To understand where I am coming from, it is important to note that on my moral reckoning, stupidity and rudeness are both aspects of the same sin: they are both forms of inconsiderateness; they are both the result of a failure to think.

Heedlessness is, without question, the great moral failing of our age.

I might have been able to stay in my lane until the truck passed me by. Techinically it was a turning lane but there was no on on the side road, and the lane kept running past that side road until it ended at the next one. I might have downshifted and moved into a lower gear, gunning the gas pedal. I might have slipped two lanes left and let him pass me on the right. I'm not saying any of these options would have been the right course of action to pursue, that any of them would have been preferable, or that I wouldn't have, after evaluating all my choices, simply done exactly what I did do. All of that is irrelevant.

What matters is that I didn't even consider these options. I simply pulled out in front of someone else. I cost them a significant amount of energy. And I didn't even think about doing something different.

This is at the heart of what I consider moral behavior: a willingness to sacrifice a part of one's own energy in return for an even greater savings for someone else. It is this principle which underlies the philosophical problem of altruism, the evolutionary doctrine of kin-selection, and pretty much the entire mathematical field of Game Theory.

It is a basic, metaphysical drive towards greater stability, through division of costs and pooling of resources. That it's a pervasive aspect of our physical universe ought to impress us as to its importance. That it's a form of activity which we, as human beings, should be able to consciously select places us under special obligation. After all, how can we be blameless for failing to choose what even the blind, impersonal laws of nature recognize as the most effective means of helping others?

It's in these small, trivial moments of heedlessness that we acquire the habit of thinking that it's ok to let opportunities for genuine service by. If we're ever going to be better persons ourselves, if we're ever going to change the world as we are meant to change it, we must learn not to let ourselves fall asleep.

Floating Holiday

E-ran into an old friend. I'm annoyed, immediately, that a) he's been blogging a lot longer than I have and more importantly b) that he has a blogroll that includes the likes of Lileks and Reynolds and NRO. The guy frickin' PAYS ATTENTION TO POLITICS. I mean GEEZ. Next thing I know, he's gonna tell me he's angling for a think tank job. He does that and I'm moving to Polynesia.

And it gets worse. He's SMARTER than me. Look, there are very few things in life I handle worse than someone who's IQ is demonstrably higher than mine. Well, this guy GRADUATED from college at the same age I STARTED. (For the record, I started at 17) Ok, so, I usually made better, and more salient, points in philosophy classes, but for crying out loud, I was 4 years older than him. Age and experience HAD to count for something. And that one thing I might have going for me - I have a doctorate and I don't think he does - he might tho, and it really would annoy me if he did - well, I don't even have mine yet. Grrr.

Anyway, I love this guy like a brother, even if he HASN'T FRICKIN' BOTHERED TO KEEP UP WITH ME over the past five years. So, Mad Props to my dear friend David, and by all means, check out his blog, Floating Holiday.

Lotsa Love, my friend. Here's to the renewal of a true friendship.

The Wisdom of Blogs

Something I haven't done before: portal my blog.

Crossposted from Cognitive Resonance

Compared to the mainstream media, blogging is faster. Bloggers don’t have to wait for the next day’s newspaper or even the six-o-clock news bulletin. They post their thoughts whenever they occur to them. But the principal benefit of the internet, in general, and blogging, in particular, is not speed but interactivity. Television is a passive medium. It feeds pre-packaged reports to a largely docile audience. Homes in which television is dominant produce less civically-engaged citizens. Web-logs are a different form of media. They are like the town hall meetings of old but they assemble expert rather than geographical communities. The best blogs encourage comments from their readers. Some of these comments are almost inevitably unreadable but many visiting commentators understand more about the subject under discussion than any generalist TV reporter could ever know.

From The Business Online Hat tip: Instapundit

(The article also references An Army of Davids and The Wisdom of Crowds)

And what does all this have to do with anything? Right now what we have with the internet is, as Reynolds points out, an infrastructure that levels the playing field, and gives the individual the power to take on the big boys. Plus, it empowers individuals en masse to take on the corporations and organizations which are capable of simply bringing more resources to the table.

Of course, even the internet will become, if not corporatized, then at least strucutured. Specifically, infrastructured, with allegiances, alliances, and the uncoordinated but self-organizing work of diverse individuals falling into stable collectives that amplify only selected themes. Of course, that is the way of all things: distillation is the way to reification, after all.

Reynolds himself is on the forefront of this wave, being an invited member of Pajamas Media and I certainly don't begrudge the Wild West attitude of the blogososphere. And I would hate to style myself a prophet of gloom and doom. But by the same token, the web is not heaven, and free and universal access is not, in itself, a remedy against the propensity of individuals to form stable, mutually supporting structures. The Web might be a great force for education and a great repository for wisdom; and chaos might just be the best way to ensure the continued survival of the potential it liberates.

But it would be a mistake to forget that chaos inevitably organizes.

Differential Ontology 105

It's not 101 because this isn't the most fundamental tenet of Differential Ontology. But it's the one that has been most on my mind lately.

Repeat after me, class: The investment in infrastructure is the mechanism for the evolution of higher levels of organization and organism. Remember that organisms are coupled with their enviornment, and that their interactions with thsmelves need not lead to a linear extrapolation of the higher level from a reduction possible to the lower level. Combining the two effects: organisms with invested infrastructure - either of their own, through construction, inheritance, or acquisition; or shared, communal infrastructure - interacting together to form levels that operate according to their own rules which cannot be reduced to the level of the organsims.

Translation: patterns exist which cannot be captured by or reduced to the operation of the individuals. (that's D.O. 101) However, the indivual itself must be considered as coupled with its infrastructrue, and it is qua that coupling that they are efficacious in bringing about higher levels.

I'll epxlain what all this means later; for now it was more important that I wrote it down. Good luck finding the magic decoder ring.

An interesting exercise

Hat tip: Logo

Here's your chance to tell me what you think about me. This looks pretty cool - it gives you a chance to evaluate what you think of me, both positively and negatively, and it gives me a chance to see for myself what you guys thought.

I'm all about self-understanding, so I'ld be much appreciative if ya'll did this for me....

Wake up Normal...

Crossposted from... someplace else.

Woke up about 30 minutes ago. Herman's Hermits comes to mind "Woke up this morning feelin' fine / There's someone special on my mind" - though, yes, she is on my mind, and, yes, she is somewhat responsible for my positive mood right now. But (as it always is with me) it's much more complicated than that.

Catharsis: always a pleasant experience.

Eh. If I didn't know better... ah yes. There they go, the crashing thoughts, the restless mind, the "three things on his mind at the same time, and that's when he's fast asleep" syndrome. Not a bad thing, actually - I was looking for this last night. Getting so fed up with getting nothing done...

Again, too much information coming down the pipeline. I can only type 70 wpm anyway.

"Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up."

a) My room, my kitchen, my apartment in general. Big mess. Must clean.
b) errands. The bank, (random interjection of stray neuronal firings: wtf is Tallulah Bankhead?)
c) Must. Cook. Dinner.
D) MUST. FINISH. CHAPTER.

But I really didn't write this to give a laundry list of activities today. nooooo. I think the most important thing is that I'm feeling normal today. That after a week of emotional rollercoasters I can see the light through a crack in the tunnel. (Every once in a while relentless self-analysis pays off. I hit a nerve yesterday, or maybe a jugular. Confronted issues. Better self-understanding. Yada yada yada.)

and last night at BN (there is only one BN - If you don't know what I'm referring to, GET THE HELL OFF MY BLOG) I realized:

I'm not particularly interested in buying any books.

This was absolutely frightening.

Well, I know the reason. Emotional turbulence? Check. Lack of intellectual focus? Ditto. Ennui? (that's the pretentious snob's way of saying "apathy and lethargy born of world-weariness") I've got your ennui right here! Forgetfulness? *loud screeching noises, sounding rather reminiscent of tires squealing as brakes are being slammed in anticipation of a head-on collision*

What?!?

Oh yeah. Oh holy shit (another random nueronal firing, this one inspired by a typo just a moment ago - has anyone else ever noticed how close in spelling "shit" and "sith" are?) (that does sound funny, though, doesn't it? Holy Sith? "Holy Sithlord Batman!" "I know, Robin... It's my old nemesis, Darth Riddler...") This IS a problem.

I keep forgetting that there's a point to all this. that there's a goal I'm after. The last few months I've been focused primarily on "finishing the bookreport" so much so that I've completely forgotten the other things I'm interested in. And where once I could spend hours browsing book-titles, trying to get a feel for books that might help my long-term project, lately it's as if that project doesn't exist.

That scares the hell out of me.

The last thing I want is a PhD and then no goals on what to do with it. Ok, that's the second to last thing I want. The last thing I want is dreams and goals but no PhD to back me up on them. Which, I suppose is why I have been focusing on the dissertation...

Except that hasn't gotten me very far...

Hmm. I need...

Perhaps what I need - now that I am starting to get back into a writing mood - is to go ahead and resurrect Cognitive Resonance. I mean, I'm so PROUD of that title, you know? It's really who I friggin' am.

There's too much on my plate right now. Or rather, there's probably exactly enough: if I were better organized, etc, then I am sure i could get everything done I would like to get done.

So I guess the thing is to Git R' Done, neh?

Quick psychological note: I recently decided that it would be good for me to give myself permission to do whatever I wanted to do. Maybe that will come in handy if I decide I want to accomplish the impossible....

It's official...

I'm a poser.

I'm sitting here, after work, at Panera, typing on my laptop, browsing the internet.

But it get's worse.

I'm eating their Spinach-Bacon souffle.

Really, I can't keep letting myself go like this. Someone needs to organize an intervention.

It's for my SOUL, for God's sake!

An amusing idea

There's a blog or a byline out there somewhere. It combines a common expression with a punning observation about the capacity of the citizens of a certain Western European nation to exhibit insufferable arrogance far out of proportion to their actual influence.

As an expression regarding the French, Unmitigated Gaul is undoubtedly at least a mild insult. Given my decades-long antipathy towards the speakers of the French language, I kind of like it.

Now, the Irish on the other hand, I have no problem with the Irish. And there's something about the bluster and irrascibility of those darn Celts which is rather admirable. And of course there's that famous redheaded temper of theirs.

So I'm wondering if I should coin a new phrase. I just googled it - there isn't a single mention of this phrase listed. I'ld like to see a friend or acquaintance of mine with a blog or byline by this title. And unlike the case of the French, where their condescension inspires contempt, the sheer determination and bravado of the Irish character is a badge of honor that invariably results in more approval than opprobrium.

So this is an invitation to all my friends of Scotch or Irish descent:

Who wants to be the Unmitigated Gael?

A Bifurcated Solution

We're in luck. Today is our lucky day.

A dear and close friend (and the wonderful woman referrred to in my previous post) has made a suggestion which I think I shall take.

There is a way for me to make use of this blog as a forum for philosophical flights of fancy without necessarily subjecting all comers to the full bore narcissism and brutally honest self-analysis that is a bit of a habit with me.

If you're really that interested in that aspect of what I might have to write, well, that really depends on if you have a Need To Know. I'm certainly not in the habit of baring my most private thoughts to just anyone. So, maybe it turns out I won't need to.

It's wonderful having wonderful friends....

Is it about time?

Perhaps a better question is: is it too late?

I sincerely hope not. I can't afford to lose. Not yet. Not while I'm still awake.

There's something about a hangman's noose that tends to focus the concetration quite admirably. Unfortunately, in my case, that seems to be about the only thing capable of sending my focus into the rarefied heights normally only occupied by my intelligence and insecurities.

Good boy, Jon. Just strip yourself naked for the crowd. We've always known you were a bit of an exhibitionist.

Which of course, begs the question: Just who in the heck invented the idea of a journal? And, what possibly even more twisted mind first hit upon the idea of granting public access to it? Doesn't writing your thoughts down imply that someone will eventually read them? And if that's NOT the idea, then why write as opposed to just thinking?

Of course, that's been my dilemma all along. I've never much held much truck with journals - I can keep up with my own thoughts in my own skull well enough, thank you very much. Thanks to my prodigious mental gifts (which I never seem to tire of enjoying such a contradictory relationship with: I identify myself with my intellect at the same time I dismiss any ownership of - i.e. any deserved merit derived from - it. Perhaps I dismiss myself so readily because the one thing I excel at I don't really believe is who I am. But I'm sure that's plenty o' fodder for a future blog, neh?) I've never had to try to keep track of what my thoughts were: they were always readily accessible. What was always important was the results of my thoughts: the end product of my deliberations, viewed one way; the resultant and permanent growth or development in my own character as a result of those struggles with my mind and emotions, viewed in another.

And this has resulted in two or three very different yet comparatively negative effects. In the first place, I have (a recurring theme) not developed any discipline whatsoever when it comes to capturing my thoughts and putting them into usable form. This has been an absolutely wonderful boon to my graduate career, let me assure you. Basically, if I can't keep it in my head all at once, it doesn't exist for me in terms of my intellectual development. Which makes writing a dissertation a completely unprepared-for challenge on my part. There is simply no way that I can keep the contents of a book-length treatise alive in my head at once. So, if I'm not concentrating on it in the moment, It's not all that important to me. Ah yes, the joys of being ABD and ADHD.

Secondly is the fact that I have no chronicle besides my own recollections of my history. This means that although I don't tend to forget lessons, I tend to forget how I learned them. And that also means I tend to forget how I came to need to learn them in the first place - i.e. manage not to keep track of the kinds of things that I should not be doing. And since my sins are all intensely private and personal affairs, it's not like anyone else can be advising me on what I need to not be doing....

Thirdly, and this is obviously closely related to the second, is the fact that I am a stranger to everyone but myself. Now I suppose that that is the inevitable consequence of the human condition, and it's certainly not the case that I am such an exhibitionist that I am willing to share my innermost self with just anyone who happens along this page. But by the same token, being constantly, consistently, and chronically misunderstood is no fun. I almost feel sometimes as if the reason I'm never quite taken as seriously as I take myself is because nobody believes anyone could be quite as naive, intelligent, cynical, and idealistic as I am all at the same time. And yet the simple fact is that I am - it's not that I'm out to manipulate or mess with people's minds; it's just that I really am that stupid.

I really meant to write a post about the nature of God and my own screwed-up misconceptions and psychologically inappropriate means of approaching a relationship with or understanding of Deity. As usual (I talk to myself a lot, so if you're reading this and wondering just what "usual" means in terms of established motifs in my writing when this is arguably the first forum in which I've ever written down any of my personal thoughts down, well, just remember, I've been having this conversation with myself for something like 20 years. You're just catching the extreme tail end.) autobiography and narcissism trump productivity, spirituality, and metaphysics. But perhaps that's just as well. It wouldn't do to present a good face too early in my writing, no? When you're as full of self-loathing as I manage to be on a semi-frequent occassion, laying out your sins in full view of the world, opening yourself up to scorn and ridicule, is somehow a positive experience.

Ok, I'm not really that pissed off at the world or at myself. Ok, maybe I am. Honestly, I don't know, and that's one reason why I'm even writing all this down in the first place. I think that I should add "Find a counselor" to my To-Do list, but simply putting it on the list will accomplish nothing: I'm nothing if not an avid avoider of responsibilities. For that matter, I really shouldn't be writing this at all. It's not as if I don't have a major deadline for my dissertation due tomorrow.

At the same time, anything that has me writing, at all, is a good thing right now. At least insofar as it addresses the three problems which I listed above, in addition to whatever benefits which might accrue from getting into the habit of writing in itself. And to excerpt the letter I still haven't written yet introducing to my friends this new blog, it's not that my other blog is defunct: it's just that right now (with the sword of doctorate hanging over my head) I cannot (psychologically) afford the time and committment necessary to write a blog that I intend to turn into a portfolio of political thinking. So the unfocused rambling of a diary is perhaps better for me right now. We will see how this works.

But I really do have interesting ideas about God and Deity running through my head. And of course, other thoughts inspired by the circumstance of being madly in love with a wonderful woman who loves me but who cannot, right now, return that love. Perhaps I will write them sooner rather than later.

For now I only know this: I may actually get the upper hand on my demons this way. Plus, this just might be better than pig-wrestling. And of course, I feel like an overclever Joyce writing Ulysses.